


I need to bury my love for you

by relivd



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Engagement, Even more pining, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, I'm not a sadist I swear, Intense, Kissing, M/M, Oblivious, Pining, Please Don't Cry, PogChamp, Post-Time Skip, Sad at First, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secret Crush, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Volleyball, long pining, oblivious idiots, pog - Freeform, we stan supportive friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relivd/pseuds/relivd
Summary: Unfortunately in one moment he again felt the familiar coldness surrounding him like a blanket. He wanted to hug him again, but if that would happen again, he wouldn’t be able to let him go again.‘’You should go already, you will miss your flight or something.’’ the green-eyed man laughed softly, rubbing his cheek trying to hide his tears. But he actually didn’t have to do it. Oikawa was aware of the state of him. Honestly, he wasn’t feeling any better.‘’Bye, Iwa-chan.’’ he answered with his soft, but fully true smile. Right after those words came out of his mouth he turned around and went to the direction of the gates. That was a quick action, but if he would hesitate, he wouldn’t do it at all. He left behind his best friend. His support. His reason to laugh. His soulmate. His love.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	I need to bury my love for you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for angst here, but I swear I love them!

Sometimes you just don’t know how your life will turn out. One day you can meet someone special, someone who will understand you perfectly, but on another day you just can lose that person and never see their familiar face again. For sure, there would be many days when everything goes as you thought it would, but people are prepared to make many mistakes which can have a huge compact. In fact, every little moment should be the most important, because you’ll never know how the next one can go. Life is way too difficult for regular people. Maybe most of them don’t even focus on the meaning of that trivial word. Living like tomorrow would never come was probably the best way to spend every day. No unnecessary thoughts which would have ruined everything. Some things may be important only when they disappear. Then people are able to see how important that was and they regret that they didn’t take care of it earlier.

Oikawa definitely thought that he’s the lord of his own life. Since his childhood, he believed that he would be able to reach all the stars and be someone, who he always wanted to be. An independent man who gets everything he wants. (Meeting aliens also were on that long list, but he couldn’t talk about this out loud.) He loved playing volleyball ever since and always hoped that someday he would be the champion of the world. He hadn’t any reasons to think the other way anyway. That was this kind of person who was able to believe in anything, he wanted to. And even that one grumpy kid he accidentally met, couldn’t change his mind.

Even though the dark-haired boy joked around about his dreams, Tooru knew that he would achieve everything. To be even more specific, he was pretty sure that his future best friend is by his side as well. Despite the fact, he wasn’t showing that as much as he possibly could. Honestly, Oikawa never thought about it as a negative thing. He knew him and he learnt how his friend is showing any kind of affection and this meant for him even more than some compliments from a stranger. Also when he was a reason to smile for this unruly kid, he felt a nice warmth around his heart. It’s kind of funny how their relationship improved over the years. At first he never thought that two opposite characters could work out together that well. 

But when two kids spend time together every day, doing so much stuff, they’re just forced to understand each other no matter what. Honestly, Oikawa used to think that everything he would do, he could do completely alone. In his plans never was a place for someone else. Even as a kid he didn’t think about girls or anything. It was just him, his slightly destroyed ball, movies about aliens and, how it turned out later, that one important person - Iwaizumi. 

They spent elementary school, junior high school and high school together as well. It was literally impossible for them not to create a strong bond. Everything was following each other naturally, and boys couldn’t complain about anything. Gaining a friend was something important and even by their early age they were aware of that. In one moment it started to be even stronger and the brown-haired boy couldn’t even tell how it started. One day he just noticed that he was not looking at his best friend just in that friendly way. In fact, he thought that was something weird. That kind of behavior which would change in some period of time and all of it happened just because of their shared history. But when he realised that he really enjoyed looking at his friend’s face, normal talking or accidently touching, he knew there was something more. He couldn’t stop it just like that, but also he couldn’t do anything about it, knowing that it comes only from him and ruining something that they built for ages couldn’t just end up because of his dumb feelings. 

There was no place for that kind of stuff in Oikawa’s life. He had his priorities which he stuck to. He wanted to be the best volleyball player and even though he enjoyed all the love confessions he was getting from his admirers, he couldn’t accept any of them. But also when he was older, he understood why he was actually rejecting every girl who came to him with a soft smile and rosy cheeks. It just felt wrong. The whole problem was about them, not being his best friend. But to make things even more complicated, he finally went out with one of the girls, hoping that would change his point of view. It hadn’t. It actually just made him one hundred percent sure that he didn't click with girls. However he could work well with his teammates and his best friend. And it was definitely the worst part. He needed to think about his future, about competitions he wanted to participate in since he was a kid. As always, he just had to turn his emotions off and pretend that everything is fine. Just another one stupid smile he perfectly mastered. No one could say if he was faking it once again or he was actually happy. Contrary to appearances it was one easy way to define that. 

He never needed to pretend anything around Iwaizumi. He could simply talk all the time about his favourite movies to which he would respond calling him a big ass nerd. He could visit him anytime, being sure that Iwaizumi would do anything for him. Even though he has his own ways to show him affection and give him attention, he knew that he would cry next to him and still get comforted. It was that kind of relationship he never thought he would get. What did he actually do that he deserved that? Probably it would last for many years, but it couldn’t. No when Tooru already was hurting too much. It’s funny how actually the only person who was able to understand him and actually help him feeling useful and just enough was hurting him the most. And didn’t even know. Being around him and couldn’t grab his hand, kiss his cheek or do anything which was inappropriate. 

The brown-haired boy was fantasizing about kissing Iwaizumi definitely too often. It wasn’t something good, because it just helped him realise what bad point he’s in. He couldn’t count how many times he just wanted to connect their lips and check if Hajime would be able to feel the same way as he did. But it never actually happened and Tooru was living only on his imagination. At least with that way he couldn’t ruin anything. But when they finally graduated, Oikawa made his decision. He knew that he couldn’t stay in Japan, knowing that someday Iwaizumi will find the love of his life. It was the natural order of things and he couldn’t fight it. Maybe he wanted to be the second part of Hajime, but he also knew that if he actually loves him, he needs to leave him and let him be happy. He wanted that from the bottom of his heart, but he was conflicted with his thoughts saying that his feelings won’t be important anymore. He’ll find someone better, someone who’ll actually be enough for him and Oikawa will go into the background.

He won’t be important. 

It hit him suddenly a few days before his flight. A decision about it was so impulsive and when he decided to tell about it, his friends were truly shocked. Especially the one person whose opinion was the biggest meaning. When he got the acceptance letter from a university from Argentina, he didn’t actually think he'd use this opportunity. But it quickly changed and he saw his chance. A chance to get away with his feelings and make a new start. Unfortunately when he was supposed to share the news with Iwaizumi, his previous confidence just disappeared. How the hell he was supposed to announce that he decided to move away and leave him just like that. For his luck, he made it really easy for him. Hajime was forgiving and he was believing in fact that he'll do great. But he didn’t know how much he wanted to have him right next to his side.

Rest of their friends understood him as well. They were sure that they would move to Japan together and still keep in touch. Of course Oikawa assured them that he will text them and in every free moment they will video chat. But also they didn’t know that this smile was the fake one and those words were as empty as his promises. How he was supposed to deal with any of his emotions when he couldn’t even think clearly. His plans were truly insane and one part of him was really aware of that. Leaving the most important people in his life just like that for sure wasn’t something common. Unfortunately the dominant thought was reminding him about how the one-sided love was destroying him for the past few years. He and his best friend were really close after all. Sleeping together and cuddling in one bed was such a common thing that they used to do. Long fingers of the dark-haired boy slowly stroking his scalp and playing with his fluffy hair. All of those slowly became some kind of routine and when Oikawa started to be aware of that, his emotions already took over his mind and it was too late to try to fight with that. He was too deep in his own feelings which were that hard to handle. His thoughts about getting the world started to be a little blurry and he couldn't prioritize anything anymore. No when he was struggling with something that he couldn’t fight with. Maybe that was the genesis of his plan. Self-empowerment which worked very well when he used to be a child. He didn’t need to care about anyone but himself. What in the world could go wrong? 

_He was standing at the airport and his palms were more shaky than always. Even after hours of training and keeping his knee fine thanks to the tones of painkillers. That kind of stress was totally new for him and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react. You weren't leaving the most important people in your life everyday. He exactly planned how to slowly lose contact with his childhood best friend just in order to kill his feelings. With every other second of being aware of that, Tooru was regretting it even more. He still wasn’t sure how he was supposed to live without him. He didn’t even know if he could do it. Maybe that was the only option to understand that they just won’t be together. They can’t. Hajime doesn't love him. How would he? Oikawa was a common guy and he was treated as a friend. The brown-eyed male wanted to go here alone. Make everything seemingly easier. But even a fool would know that this wouldn’t help. To be more specific, it would make everything worse. Not be able to see Hajime’s face for the very last time. Eyes of both of them were full of tears and they didn’t even try to hide it. It was natural and right. But no one needed to know that Tooru’s tears were full of sadness caused by one-sided love which lasted for too long. It was supposed to stay this way. He was hiding it for a long time and he could do it for a couple more minutes. It was time to start over. To be able to feel something more for anyone else. For someone who will like him as much as Iwaizumi did it and love him as hard as he loved Iwaizumi._

__

__

_‘‘Tooru?’’ the jittery voice he heard made him look into his green irises and smile weakly. This tone simply made him feel sad, but he just raised his corners of the lips poorly. ‘‘Yeah? Do you miss me already?’’ he asked, trying to sound as happily as always. Unfortunately he was in disarray as well and even his skills which were grinding for last past years. But he didn’t need to pretend now. It was his last chance. Hajime just shook his head in a subtle gesture and walked over to him._

_‘’Oi, just shut up, Shittykawa.’’ seemingly the mean nouns were said with that stage of pureness just highlighted his heart. The gesture which came next just intensified his feeling was the best he could get right now. Strong arms of his friend tightened on his shoulders just to pull him over against him. The lack in their height was visible now when Oikawa could feel how Iwaizumi had put his chin on his shoulder while they were hugging. He felt like he was his home. When the dark-haired boy was holding him like that. He absorbed this moment as long as he could, already knowing that he would repeat it in his mind all the time. Also he knew that it’s probably their last time, when he can feel the warmth of his familiar body, smell his perfumes which he bought for his birthday three years ago and since then Hajime was using them all the time, making unloving even harder for him. Every inch of him was just too perfect and even thinking about it hurt badly. Oikawa connected his palms on Iwaizumi’s back, feeling how tears were filling his eyes even more intensely. Maybe he didn’t need to leave? Maybe he could just confess now, hoping that Hajime would at least understand him and even if he wasn’t feeling the same, he’ll just let him be right next to him. Too many conflicting thoughts for one moment. He couldn’t make up scenarios like this, especially when he needed to go in a couple of minutes. He wasn’t sure how long they were standing like that, time seemed to stop. Unfortunately in one moment he again felt the familiar coldness surrounding him like a blanket. He wanted to hug him again, but if that would happen again, he wouldn’t be able to let him go again._

_‘’You should go already, you will miss your flight or something.’’ the green-eyed man laughed softly, rubbing his cheek trying to hide his tears. But he actually didn’t have to do it. Oikawa was aware of the state of him. Honestly, he wasn’t feeling any better._

_‘’Bye, Iwa-chan.’’ he answered with his soft, but fully true smile. Right after those words came out of his mouth he turned around and went to the direction of the gates. That was a quick action, but if he would hesitate, he wouldn’t do it at all. He left behind his best friend. His support. His reason to laugh. His soulmate. His love._

~~~

At first it was good. At least Oikawa thought so. When he came to Argentina he started with going to his campus and meeting his future team. Maybe it wasn't the same squad that he had earlier, but that was his new life now. As soon as he had got some time for himself he decided to text Iwaizumi, knowing that the loss of touch should go slowly. Like something natural, some kind of proof that their relationship can’t go forward anymore because of long distance. That could seem awful of Oikawa, but he knew that he had to do it as it was the only chance to forget about his feelings. He started to believe in that so badly, that he hoped the remorse would disappear and let him start his life with the fresh start. Unfortunately his friend wasn’t so eager to let that happen so easily. He started to feel a little too desperate about this, and he didn’t even realise how much this affected him.

Tooru was getting a tone of messages every evening and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling when he saw notifications on his display from Iwa-chan. It also helped him realize that unloving him would be much harder than he predicted. He couldn’t even count how many thoughts about changing his mind had crossed his head and after that they were destroyed but the big amount of pain. The whole situation could be a definition of unrequited love which he stuck in. It’s been three months since he had moved from Japan and left Iwaizumi. That time seemed to drag awfully slow. Oikawa tried to focus on his lectures and training. Sometimes he used them as an excuse when his friend wanted to talk. Unfortunately he couldn’t be completely honest, because then he would know about overworking which he started doing again. Iwaizumi was always the one who took care of him, instead by himself. Oikawa always ignored his injury, letting himself to work definitely for too long and without his friend, he would end up much worse than he already did. Old, bad habits had returned with a new load of energy and it just couldn’t end up well. The only thing which was keeping him in check was just him. Tooru’s days couldn’t be described as good ones anymore. After his lessons he was going on the court before the rest and stayed much longer, promising that he would clean everything up if they would let him. It was the only way for him to distract himself from thinking about the same person all the time. He realised how badly it hurt and still not being able to change even a thing. At first the source of suffering was in his heart and head, but now it is also affected on his body. His knee started to hurt too much, but a break was the worst possible thing he could’ve got. He was feeling like in high school, taking loads of painkillers, just to be able to play for a few more minutes. Probably it wasn’t worth those all bad moments he went through, but he couldn’t overcome that, even when he wanted.

Another couple months later he started to spend on taking dozens of painkillers which helped him survive his routine. Again. He knew what was going to do to him, but it still wasn’t a good enough reason for him to stop. The communication between him and Iwaizumi achieved the bare minimum he expected to. Oikawa in most situations was just reading messages about his days at university that he shared with the old Karasuno’s captain. He also found out that he enjoyed his campus and people who were surrounding him. To be completely honest, those were keeping the brown-eyed man sane, knowing that the most important person in his life is doing great anyway. That also helped him realize that maybe he doesn't need him anymore. When at first he was giving him faintly responses, now he decided to don’t give him a thing. That was a time when both of them needed to arrange their lives alone, even if that was probably the hardest thing they did.

Indeed Hajime didn’t let go just like that. He continued to talk about his days, but when he was talking with a wall, he also got tired. He stopped trying, and even though it was Tooru’s goal, it hurt more than he expected. He actually counted on that, his friend won’t even stop. Just those routines greetings would be still there, but there was nothing. He wanted that, and when he got it, the feeling of regret filled him completely. He knew that Hajime took his ignorance as a sign to stop and he just wanted to give him what he was expecting. Probably the start of the second year in Argentina was the hardest one. The fact that he lost his childhood best friend on his own wish affected him more than he thought, but at the same time he wanted him to meet a great girl and just be happy, which he couldn’t provide him. He also tried to come back to the healthy lifestyle, but without Iwaizumi next to him it was much harder. 

At one day when he again stayed late after his training, he finally sat on the bench, needing to catch a breath. He was genuinely tired and even though he wanted to practice even more, he needed at least a couple of seconds to rest. Slow drug deposition was much harder, especially when he was on it for that long. He closed his eyes, feeling how mad he was at himself. Darkness that he saw was a calm view for tired eyes. Every muscle of his was burning, but he couldn’t let even himself down. It was supposed to be just a second of rest, before he would practice at least a bit longer and clean the court. It’s kinda funny how in a couple of months he was able to completely change his lifestyle, but the same feelings were torturing him. Unfortunately his plans and thoughts were destroyed by the soft voice he heard. 

“The training hasn’t ended like an hour ago?” he slowly opened his eyelids and turned his face to meet a pale face of a girl he didn’t see before.

“It has.” he answered sloppily, don’t feeling like he was in a mood to talk. 

“So what are you still doing here?” she asked again, but there was no malice in her voice. To be even more specific, she asked really nicely with a bit of curiosity. 

“I could ask you the same thing, though. You don’t look like a male who’s ready to play with that team.” Oikawa stood up from the bench, walking near the volleyball net to take it off. The soft giggle came to his ears, on which he squinted wasn’t entirely sure what was so funny. He wanted to practice a bit, but now he wanted to go home and fall asleep.

“You’re right. I’m not here to play. My friend wants to be a manager of the team which plays here and she asked me to check the place. She’s a bit shy and I was near and I saw that lights are on and the door was also opened, so I was pretty sure that I’ll be on time with the training. But now I see I was wrong, so I’ll come back tomorrow.” She clarified the situation with fluent english, but he could clearly hear the accent. She must be from here, opposite to Oikawa, who could speak in english, but obviously not as good as the girl. Man slowly nodded, while taking off the net with understanding. When he turned around, he saw how she was standing in the same place, staring at him. He wasn’t sure what he should do, so he just went to the storeroom, when he left the stuff he was using. Unfortunately, the girl didn’t change her position on which he just sighted.

“Can I somehow still help you?” he asked, taking his bag and standing in front of her.

“Oh, no really. I just wanted to go with you. The corridors are pretty scary empty just like that.” she giggled softly, making Tooru even more confused.

“But you still came here.” He commented, starting a walk with a brown-haired girl. She just laughed quietly, making him even more confused. 

“I’m not the best in starting conversations.” she finally said something after a while, earning Oikawa’s attention. He just snorted quietly, seeing what she was trying to do all the time. To be honest he wasn’t interested in any friendships right now. He hardly even talked to his teammates after training and at university he had one friend who he was sitting next to. Thanks to his past, he was sure that he didn't need anybody around him, especially now.  
“Oh, I’m Valentina, by the way.” the girl added, when she didn’t get any response. 

“Tooru.” the short answer came out from his mouth. He didn’t feel any need to add some extra information. He just saw a smile from her, which he unsurely repricoated. 

“You seem kinda alone, Tooru. Training just by yourself must be dull.” Valentina said without any barriers, which made him a bit shocked. He really just wanted to go home and pretend that he didn’t meet anyone. “I hope when I come back here tomorrow you’ll be more eager to get acquainted. We could grab a coffee or something. And before you’ll say no, just think about it. See you then!” Valentina flooded him with information and he didn’t even get a chance to respond, because she turned and went to her side, leaving him in front of the entrance to the gym. He had no idea why he would agree, but at the same time he felt like he didn’t get many options. That girl was definitely a sociable type and for now, Oikawa couldn’t say the same thing about himself. Things just got too complicated and he was pretty sure that his life would turn as a mess if he would engage himself in any relationship. But maybe this period of time was enough for him to keep distanced and he just shouldn’t shut himself between others. Also Hajime probably wanted him to be happy, right? Even if he wasn’t here.

~~~

The next day came faster than he actually expected to and to be even more specific he wasn’t prepared at all. The same girl that showed up on his training yesterday was here again and as she promised, she stopped him and promised that she’ll be waiting for him to end. Tooru definitely didn’t want to go on that coffee Valentina offered the previous day. Is really a moment of calm too much to ask? He just wanted to focus on volleyball and winning every contest he would play in. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t control his emotions at all. Unfortunately the girl was stubborn enough to actually make an influence at him and make him go with her. This is why Oikawa ended up in some nice coffee shop, hearing some stories from Valentina. He wasn’t as eager as her to share about his life, because honestly, there was nothing good to tell. The childhood with the greatest person on the earth? Maybe slowly catching feelings for the same person, who definitely wasn’t feeling the same way towards him. Or his injury which made his life even more fucked up and unpleasant? Great stories, indeed. Anyone who knew the brown-haired boy could be pretty sure something happened. In most situations he was the one who talked so much and now he was a listener.

The dark-haired girl didn’t seem to mind when she was pushing their conversation forward with lots of anecdotes. Thanks to being silent, he actually thought some things about her.  
While she was talking, Oikawa had a good sight on her. For sure, she was a pretty girl and maybe if he wasn’t gay, he would flirt with her. The brown hair was curly, but in that subtle way. Also the fact that she was from here was visible on her tan skin, which perfectly fitted to her hair and as well brown eyes. Oikawa couldn’t describe her as an ordinary person. Something about Valentina was way more eye catching. She was emanating positive vibrations and loads of energy, which he could observe at their first meet. When it comes to comparing her and the old Oikawa, they were similar. But the one fundamental difference was that she hadn’t any traumas and her life was pretty happy. Another reason for Oikawa to not share about his own life. He was aware of the fact that Valentina wouldn’t judge him or anything, but it still didn’t make him share. She was an only child and that was the main reason for her calm and happy childhood. Being a centre of attention must be nice, especially when he saw how good it turned out. the whole life must be nice. At the end they also discovered that Valentina was studying literature at the same university as him. This meet actually was nice and helped him to focus on something pleasant.

It was the first time when he even for a moment could forget about his bleeding heart.

Going out with Valentina started to be some kind of routine. Thanks to that, he realised how being open for people is easier to swallow the tough past that he had. The only key wasn’t to close him up for the whole world and slowly gaining friends turned out well for him. He started to talk to Kuroo and Akaashi who were in his class and it turned out that both of them were from Japan as well. Firstly they were just acquaintances but with some time they actually could name themselves as friends. Honestly, Tooru was kind of proud of himself. Maybe it still wasn’t perfect, but at least he could stand this new reality. Seemingly his life started to be great now, but in fact when he was on his own, nothing was as good as he thought. 

Just being in his room, with head full of thoughts, he couldn’t just throw the image of Hajime out. Maybe he could act as everything was just great, but on the inside nothing was as it looked like. Having free time definitely wasn’t working for him. He could hang out with his friends or train, but there always was a moment, when he was forced to spend some time alone. It was usually a time when he was creating multiple scenarios how everything could go differently. His favourite ones were about him and Iwa-chan living together in Argentina, not just as roommates, but also as a couple. Of course even the version which wasn’t including the romantic part was pretty nice. He would have him right next to him, which was arguing with his previous feelings. It still would be better than the current situation. Also the fact that Valentina definitely wanted something more in their relationship was making everything even more harder. At this moment they were just friends, but she wasn’t even hiding the fact that she was flirting with him at the same moment. At first it was just shy smiles and innocent compliments, but with some time it changed as something not as subtle and easy to ignore. Even though he liked her, he couldn’t stand the fact, that wasn’t the only person he actually was still daydreaming about. Oikawa couldn’t blame her after all. He never had said anything about his orientation and about this feeling that was living in him for so long. He actually could think about Hajime all the time, but he wasn’t able to say anything about him. There was something that was telling him that if he won’t bring him up in any conversation it’ll be easier to swallow it. Unfortunately nothing was really working. For the whole time he had hoped that hanging out with a girl would change him somehow. Maybe he would like to start girls and maybe date some. Unfortunately it still didn’t work and he wasn’t actually thinking that dating some girl could simply change the way of that big part of his life. To make things even more fucked up, he wasn’t so eager to date men as well. The vision of him with someone other than Hajime just wasn’t sitting right with him. 

So what on the earth made him kiss Valentina after their canonic meet up when he decided to walk her home. It was supposed to be just a walk, exactly as they were doing it for a longer period of time. He still couldn’t explain what he was thinking when he stopped and cupped her cheeks in both of his palms and connected their lips together. Feeling of reciprocated gesture made him feel how his guts mecame to be so heavy. In one second he regretted this move, knowing that he couldn’t leave it like that. Not, when he knew that she liked him and he openly used it, hoping that he’ll be over someone else. Valentina deserves someone better than Tooru. Someone who would actually love her in the romantical way. Oikawa couldn’t ensure that at all. She was just a friend and he was about to ruin a relationship with a person, who believed in him since they’ve met for the first time. Also the fact that after a couple of minutes she moved away with a subtle blush, the only thing in Oikawa’s mind was the fact how gay he actually was. How much he wanted her to be Hajime. All of those just made him smile weakly and come back home and cry because of a feeling of guilt. He knew that she liked him and he simply used that, meanwhile ruining another thing which could be just good for his recovery. That was the time when he needed his friend right next to him. Hear how the whole situation will get better, while his slender fingers played with Tooru’s long hair. A loud sob has left his mouth, while he couldn’t think clearly. His head was dizzy and tears were filling his eyes all the time. After a second he took out his phone and looked at his conversations. The one named “Iwa-chan” was buried under tons of other ones with a short information that the last received message was from almost two years ago.

Could he just write and say sorry? Confess his feelings just like that, after leaving him on read and pretending that he’s too busy to answer? What if he wasn’t even in love anymore but he just got used to that feeling so much that he got addicted. He just wanted to suffer in unhappy love, fighting with the rest of his feelings. His sight started to be blurry and after those thoughts he knew that he has to put the phone away before he would do something stupid. Maybe Iwaizumi at this point already had a great girlfriend, who could enjoy every amazing part of his being. The caring nature, amazing looks and primarily his love and affection. Oikawa was lucky to get at least something, but for now he knew it would never be enough. He couldn’t just ruin Iwa’s life as he did with his own. It would be even worse and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to look in a mirror ever again.

Life was so fucked up. Everything used to be so much better, when the only thing he needed to worry about was coming back home until 8 PM and making sure he didn't have any ticks. And now? He was laying on his bed, choking with his own tears, while his life was falling apart. Even when he thought that everything's going to be fine, he just needed to screw everything up. His existence was just sorrowful and he had no idea how to make it even a bit better. In his head had shown up many questions about Valentina and their future friendship. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could go to her and tell her about his tragic story, especially when they were knowing each other for some period of time now. It felt wrong, but for now nothing was any different. If he was going to suffer, he didn’t want to drag anyone else into it, asking for any mercy. Tooru didn’t need that, for his entire life was studying how to hide his real feelings so he could just repeat that. After a while, he didn't have enough strength to cry anymore. It was like letting everything go and now he was just an empty body, without literally anything. His pale palms touched his cheeks, trying to clean them up. His head was awfully dizzy after this crying session and before he even realised, he fell asleep, being able to break away from this world, at least for some hours. 

The next day was much harder then he predicted it to be. For the first time, Oikawa decided to take a break, he left a day at his university, a training session and put his phone away from him. He needed to reset, pretend that he’s able to think about everything, even though he wasn’t. Oikawa wasn’t even completely sure if he wanted to think about anything. It seemed way too hard and he was supposed to relax. But eventually he ended up with an ice cream pack, watching some shitty tv show. His almost perfect day was awfully ruined by knocking to his door and seeing faces of Kuroo and Akaashi. They were worried about him. He never missed a day and without hesitation they could call him a workaholic. Of course, he liked them a lot, but he definitely wasn’t in a good condition and right after he heard a question about what happened, he started crying, couldn’t control anything.  
Oikawa really didn’t want to get them familiar with his situation, but the moment, when he started to talk, he just couldn’t finish. He wasn’t sure how it happened that three of them sat on the sofa again and he just talked about this guy, who was his best friend til two years ago, when he left and cut off any contact. And how he was at this place, still not ready to move on. The feeling of love already filled him, thrusting into his bones and spread even further. It was just in him and any try of fight was ending with a failure. He was just a puppet in his emotion’s hands, not being able to do anything with it. Honestly, he didn’t even try. Just gave up on the very beginning, knowing that forgetting about someone like Iwaizumi was simply impossible. Oikawa had heard tons of positive words and advice, but he didn’t need any of them. He knew he was hurting himself and everyone around him as well, but he couldn’ help it. He was weak at this point, even though he didn’t want to. Awareness of straightening everything up was pretty strong and he actually wanted to explain everything to the woman, especially when he heard the comforting words of his friends.

Unfortunately, nothing after happened as he predicted. He wanted to explain everything to Valentina, but when they met again next time, she confessed to him that she had feelings toward him for a long time now and after he kissed her, she thought that’s a kind of a sign that he’s feeling the same way. Unfortunately, that happy expression on the girl's face and eyes full of hope made him smile widely and nod as a confirm. He was the worst person in the entire world. 

The knowledge about his sexuality and still going deeper, and deeper, burying himself in his lies and emotions wasn’t the worst part. Oikawa was genuinely sorry for Valentina, who actually had feelings towards him and he couldn’t deny. Probably she’s the last person in his life he would let that close, even if that wasn’t the entire truth. But still, she was next to him for a long time now and she convinced him that he could be happy in Argentina. Maybe not in the way he actually wanted to, but it helped. He couldn’t say that was meaningless. Even the fact that he was able to not to think about Hajime for at least some part of the day, proved how his state was better.

But even if he could move on, he was pretty sure that he didn’t want to. The vision of his head being empty, slowly forgetting about the most important person in his life, who was with him since childhood was making him weak. He wanted to remember. Even if he would have to deal with his heavy feelings for the rest of his life. There was no chance for him to forget about any aspect of him, his looks nor personality. Every little trait of Iwaizumi was a part of him as well and fighting it would be just pointless. Oikawa was way more conflicted and when he thought about one path in his life, there was also him. He couldn’t fall in love with anyone as he did with his old friend. It just felt wrong. He could say the same thing about his current relationship with Valentina, but even though he was aware of that, he was sticking to that as well. 

Continuous fighting with his own feelings was tiring. His relationship with the girl was still accurate and with the passing time, Oikawa was understanding how he actually needed to move on. He could finally separate the past from the present, even when it lasted for almost three years. Even after all those thoughts which were making him suffer and he was pretty sure that he just gave up. Like he was meant to suffer for the rest of his life. Of course, memories were still in his head, but they weren’t at the first place anymore; he had a new life now. He focused on it. For the first time he was calm. Maybe not everything turned completely as he predicted, but he couldn’t complain at all. He was still with Valentina and their relationship went on another stage with a moment when Tooru was actually ready to get his good frame of mind. He couldn't fight the fact that he was gay, but feeling actually well around that girl made him think, that he doesn’t need to try anymore. His eternal race after well-being was too much. He didn’t plan that, though. It was just another meet, date, however they could call that. He was listening to the brown-haired woman, actually enjoying her company and voice as well. While watching her and her lips in a movements, he understood how grateful he actually was. He actually moved on. He never thought he would, but he did. Not thinking too much, he interrupted her in the middle of a sentence with just one question, but it definitely changed his life. 

Let’s get married.

He actually shouldn’t have said that. Deeply in his heart he knew that he wasn’t treating her as well as he deserved to be treated, but after all they created a strong bond. Both of them knew that and they didn’t want to end this. A happy squeak which came from her, made him smile widely and after this sentence, he could feel Valentina’s warm lips on his own. He didn’t know yet how badly this would turn out for him, but at this moment, he totally lost his mind. He could truly say that he loved her. He was grateful for her presence and there was some actual love. Unfortunately it wasn’t that kind that he should’ve felt towards someone you’re engaged with. Everything seemed to be so complicated, but this time Oikawa was trying to not overthink. He rebuilt his mental health while being next to a woman and it’s probably something he will remember for the rest of his life. He was comfortable while having her close, knowing that everything will be fine. Maybe it was selfish at some point, but he was just tired. Continuous running away from his feelings, past and every bruises lasted for too long and it was his chance to step back and simply rest.

Honestly, this statement didn’t change anything between them. At least not much. They were engaged now and Tooru gave her a nice ring she showed him someday and they looked like a normal, happy couple. Well, it could be possible to describe them this way. This was some kind of defence for Oikawa, who was still focusing on his current life, instead of the painful past. A day after day, slowly understanding his state was making him actually live. He still did miss Iwaizumi, he was aware of the fact that he’ll probably do it for his whole life. It would be brutal if he would be able to throw him just like that. But now, he had Valentina and his two friends who were truly surprised when they heard the news. Especially after Oikawa’s previous confession, but they didn’t comment on that in any way. They were truly supportive and happy, seeing him in his current state. So what was holding him from a happy life? Probably nothing. For now he could be just happier with every day and when he started to feel this way he wasn’t sure if it was real or he convicted himself to that. 

After a while, he and Valentina moved in together, when the women suggested that it’s a right time. Oikawa didn’t question that, knowing that was going to happen someday. It was right at the start of his fourth year in Argentina. He could describe himself as a local now and he actually started to appreciate this place. Being with a girl in a romantic relationship was still hard to him in someway, because even though he moved on from his feelings towards Hajime, he still was gay. But now, when they were a couple for a long period of time now was a bad time to come out. Especially when Valentina was actually happy with him and he got used to this statement. He had no rights to take it from her and ruined all this when he didn’t have any reasons actually. She was the only person in his life who was that important for now, so he just stuck to it. He lived in some kind of routine, when he got information about some kind of match in Japan. 

He hasn't visited his home country since he left it for good. He didn’t want to come back, knowing how many memories would hit him, but he reminded himself about his family, who’s probably missing him as much as he did. Oikawa was thinking about all the advantages and disadvantages about coming there way earlier than the rest of his team and in the results and Valentina’s hints he decided to make some kind of vacation for himself. He needed that, he wanted to see his family and the whole town he used to grow in. Having any regrets about leaving was the last thing he had in mind. Going back there and refreshing his old memories could bring some negative effects for him and he was sure that he’s not ready for that. He left with too many regrets about his choices and after three long years of clearing his mind, convincing himself that was the only way, he couldn’t destroy it like that. The issue of his friends was something he didn’t want to think about. He probably missed them as well, but pretending that those emotions don't exist was helping. As always, he ignored the problems, pretending that they aren’t here. He actually could do it. It was just half of a month and he could eventually stay for a bit longer. But he was pretty sure that he would have no reason. Plans were about to spend time with his parents and nephew, he didn’t talk for way too long. Just now the fact of cutting off hit him, making him realise how awful he acted. With those statements he bought a ticket to Japan, already knowing that he won’t be able to handle it. But there he was, packing his things and going to the airport.

~~~

Staring at the gates, going through the flight, he had a cramped stomach because of paralyzing stress. But when he was finally at the right place, everything was so… familiar. It shouldn’t be weird considering the fact, he spent eighteen years of his life. And now he came back, as a twenty one years old man, feeling like a confused kid. From the moment he had left the airport, while carrying his suitcase, he was feeling how his guts had thinged. It felt so weird to come back to his country after three years of living on a different continent. Oikawa quickly got a cab and without any hesitation said his parents’ address, wanting to surprise them right away. He didn’t say anything about his return at least for the closest days. He wouldn’t get a better chance to finally meet them and apologise for being so busy and missing every family party. He loved them, he really did, but the fact of being so scared to be connected with his past was just paralyzing. He didn’t say about the coming match in Tokyo, wanting to make some big entrance or something like that. But for the first time in his life he was genuinely scared. He was at his home town, but nothing felt like it. He was a new person now, he was living in Argentina, had a fiancée and no contact with anyone from here. Maybe coming that early was a stupid idea. He should’ve come here with the rest of his team and not on his own. All of this was way more impulsive than he first thought. He should've waited and come here with his team only on the match, ignoring every distractions around him. It would be much easier and not feeling any regrets about leaving would be guaranteed. But there he was, on his way to his house, not being ready to face the old reality.

Oikawa finally paid his taxi driver before he left the car, giving a look to his old house. Before he made a first step, he took a deep breath, looking around. The street was still the same, exactly as the lawn and bushes next to it. Even a curb he used to walk on with Iwaizumi. He slowly swallowed, turning around to see a fragment of his old friend’s house. Was there any chance for him being inside right now? Could they just meet right now, face each other and act like nothing happened? Feeling how his thoughts were on a wrong track, he looked at his own house once again, trying to ignore his loud thoughts. He shouldn’t be nervous, right? It was clearly just a past, he already was over it. Oikawa took his suitcase quickly and knocked on the door after a second of hesitation. Waiting made him feel sick, but after a couple of seconds he heard steps and immediately smiled. His previous worries had disappeared in a second, luckily letting him enjoy a view of his mother, who opened the doors.  
“Tooru! It’s so good to see you! Oh god, come in, we’ve missed you so much!” his mom didn’t let him say anything, hugging him right away. Being in the embrace of his parent was one of the best feelings he experienced lately. It all was so familiar and now he understood how much he actually missed that. In one second he decided to not ignore his family just like that. He already had lost enough time, trying to fix his life and now, when he was able to handle it, he wanted to continue that. “You have perfect timing, I just made dinner.” the woman smiled softly, finally letting him in. 

Oikawa took off his shoes and went in right after his mother. This place hasn't changed at all. The same furnitures, and photos he remembered perfectly. A small smile formed on his face, while he was feeling actually good. Was it possible that from now everything is going to be actually great? He’ll spend some time before coming back to Argentina. Maybe even his parents will come to visit him, but that was a plan for the future. Now he wanted to focus on current events. But the next thing he saw made him stop suddenly. Blood on his veins stopped in one second and he was pretty sure that he’s not hearing his heart anymore. Time had stopped with this one gaze. He couldn’t believe his own eyes. He was standing in one place and his stare was focused on the only thing in the entire room. Any previous feelings about feeling well and safe had been forgotten now. What could he do? Absolutely nothing. How large were the chances to come to Japan and meet this one person in his own old house. At the table was the only, literally the only one person he wasn’t ready to see. A person that he thought he was finally over. That he actually ran away from his feelings. But all of sudden had disappeared with a small look from Iwaizumi Hajime sitting at his parents’ house. Tooru actually thought he was over it.

He didn’t know how wrong he was.


End file.
